When my Aunt was 16, she got pregnant. At that time, abortions were illegal, so the standard pregnant teen situation involved leaving school for the duration of the pregnancy, then spending the last three months at a group home with other pregnant girls. Some girls kept their babies, some used the Children’s Service Society to give them up for adoption. My aunt, whose boyfriend was a controlling and emotionally manipulative person, opted for adoption.
I asked her a bunch of questions, thinking I could write a post about the differences in attitudes then, and give details about the experience. It’s interesting to consider how much has changed in the world in 40 years, especially regarding sexual health.
As I talked to Aunt Peggy, what stood out to me much more was the depth of the details she remembered. If you ask any mother, they can (and will) give you a play by play of the entire day surrounding the birth of their child, so naturally this shouldn’t surprise me.
It’s just that the details – her father, pacing as he confronted her about the suspected pregnancy, with a yard stick in his hand (not to hit her with it. I am guessing he just needed to hold onto something); her brother, age 12, upon hearing she was pregnant, responding with “I’ll kill him”; trying everything she could in the early months to make herself miscarry – these details aren’t as easy to hear about as even the scariest and goriest birth stories.
And then she told me about the birth itself, and how she called her mother afterward filled with euphoria and joy. Then after the birth she had to stay in the group home for 8 days, and though her daughter was there, my aunt was not allowed to feed her or hold her. She could watch through the window.
On the day her daughter was taken by the social worker, my aunt busied herself by painting alone in a storeroom, knowing that watching the baby go would be too difficult. Other mothers I’ve talked to who have given their children up for adoption seem to remember that moment – the one in which your child is being physically removed from direct proximity- as the hardest. Even if you’re doing what you have to do, and you know that your baby is going to be taken care of, you are still a mother.
She went home on the 8th day. “That was the day my milk came in,” she told me, “I went home bound in towels, otherwise empty.” For the next 21 years she wondered about her daughter. She got married, had three more children, and then placed herself on a registry so that should her daughter ever want to find her, she could. Their reunion eventually did happen, and her daughter became a part of her life again.
These days, adoption communication options are extremely different. People are able to choose the families if they want to. The communication can be completely open, where they speak to the new family as frequently as everyone is comfortable with, or they can choose not to know anything about the family. Some people get photos, letters, yearly updates. Other people think it’s easiest not to have those reminders.
Every day we all have to make choices, big and small, that are based on need. In the case of an unplanned pregnancy, those choices are huge. Whether you have and raise your child, give your child up for adoption, or choose abortion, a part of you will be altered. And while I am delighted that things worked out well for Aunt Peggy’s daughter, I still hope we can get to a day when far fewer teen girls need to make such a difficult decision.
Dear Nikol, what a wonderfully insightful post you have here. Your Aunt Peggy is a special person. I am impressed that you made the point that adoptions are so much more open these days. I personally prefer that 16 year olds choose adoption over abortion or keeping the baby. I totally agree in that I too hope for a day that teen girls will make the most difficult decision not to get pregnant until they are really ready to raise a baby not just have one. Maybe wait until after graduation or even college??
Thank you again, Nikol.
I wish that someone would do a show on preventing pregnancy. On young girls taking control of their lives and their value. Parents who set and enforce standards on sex the same way they set and enforce standards about grades.
The worse thing I’ve heard was on a bus when a pre-k student said they wanted to have a baby like “sue” and “sue” is just in high school.
Value, patience and self-control. Pregnancy is the symptom of a lack of self control and respect and of being young. Sex is a powerful tool and children are not equipped to deal with the repercussions and consequences.
Boys and Girls need to know that it’s okay to say NO to sex the same way it’s okay to say NO to drugs. If at a young age we as parents begin to instill in our kids that waiting is the best option I think we will see change.
I am sure if after 10 years, a poll was taken of the sexually active teenagers all of them male and female would have preferred to wait.
My 2cents.