The choking and gasping sounds coming through my cell phone should have me calling an ambulance for the person I’m talking to. The call would go something like,
9-1-1 What’s your emergency?
It’s my friend. She needs help and nobody is giving it to her.
What’s the nature of the emergency, ma’am?
She’s sick of being a mother.
Is it life threatening?
Well, yes. You see, she’s caring for two children and she has no relief. If she continues to feel this awful, she’s going to snap and even though I know she’ll eventually be okay, this will have an effect on her ability to cope in the future, as well as adversely affect her relationship with her sons. Statistically speaking, children of single-
Ma’am? This isn’t an emergency.
That’s what everyone says.
When my friend was 16 she had her first son, then another followed two years later. She tells me now, in a miserable voice that she was stupid. She didn’t get an abortion because she was lazy and, anyway, she just figured that by the time her kids were grown up everyone else would start having babies and she’d be able to sit back and enjoy her life.
And the things she is yearning for now seem trivial to a lot of people. She wants Cancun spring break, backpacking in Europe, working a crappy job and living in a dorm room. She wants sororities, walks of shame, and nothing in the cupboards but ramen and rum. She’ll never have that stuff, and even though ultimately it’s not the stuff that matters, I don’t judge her for a second for wanting it.
She brings up “16 and Pregnant,” the MTV reality show depicting rich teen girls who get knocked up and have their babies, but in no way reflect the accuracy of what it is really like for the majority of pregnant teens in America.
“I drove myself to the hospital while I was in labor! I didn’t have mommy or daddy or a boyfriend around to do it!” she tells me. “What are all of the teens going to think right now? That it’s all easy and beautiful? Even after the girls have the baby then they announce how they’re engaged. Isn’t that sweet? Well, try to be in a relationship with a baby when you’re both young. It doesn’t stay sweet for very long.”
I suggest that maybe there should be another show, a real reality show, called “26 and Parenting.” While caring for a baby is difficult, caring for a child full time for several years during a time when a person should be gently gliding between that spot of childhood and adult responsibility will really wear a person down.
My friend, who feels ashamed for the way she is feeling about being a mother right now, is actually in the midst of a moment just about any single mother I’ve ever talked to feels, and more than half of the married mothers. Knowing that we’ve all felt that way isn’t much of a consolation to her, but it is to me, because I know she’s going to be alright.
Mostly I want her to know, and you to know, that it’s alright to demand help from the people around you. She is right to say she cannot do this by herself. Nobody can. I just think that people don’t tend to listen as intently to a mother who says that she needs a break. My friend knows she’ll never have Mardi Gras, but it’s not out of the question for her to have a weekend not to worry about anyone else brushing their teeth.
For now I tell her that I know today isn’t about solutions. Just cry until the snot drips down your chin if you need to. But tomorrow, I hope that she is able to find a way to ask for help and be listened to. You know, even though a thing isn’t an emergency, it doesn’t mean it’s not urgent. It takes a village to help a mom.
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